So looking forward to finding out more about the seasons! I loved your description of your meditation practice, it sounds very close to my own. It so happens that I’m working on a post for Sunday on why meditation shouldn’t be understood as a prescription pill. It’s going to first time I write about my experience with meditation. Thanks for this great post!
Ahhh that will be great to read about meditation-as-something-other-than-a-quick-fix — we do love those, don't we? 🫶 How long have you had a meditation practice? Bravo on the courage to write about it for the first time!
p.s. I haven't forgot about your post you shared in Notes. Funny thing about toddlers ... they can gobble your whole day away.
"I have some neurological predilection to blindly follow experts—marketing, writing, religious, medical and so on—before turning inward to touch base with myself." I have done this my whole life, as well. I was just talking to my therapist about it last week. I think you're probably right that it's rooted in CPTSD, but my therapist said it's common among autistic people because we strictly adhere to our values. For me, I feel like I need to do my due diligence when it comes to everything. Like, I'm not allowed to have an opinion until I've absorbed all possible knowledge on a subject.
I'm really looking forward to hearing more about writing seasons. I think I'll find it really helpful going forward.
Ahhhh I'm sorry to hear you relate to that, but also, what relief to know we're not alone. I do toggle quite a bit in my analyzing: "Is this autism? Is this trauma? Is this something else entirely?" And what's been helpful for me over the last few years is to recognize that most of the time the origin/label of the pain is the primary place to offer care... and then the categorizing or labeling or clarifying in my mind can happen, as it always does, ad nauseum. 😉
Also thanks for your enthusiasm for the Writing Seasons. It's a concept that is definitely outside my usual comfort zone because even though I read and study and practice and am treated by experts, somehow MY synthesization of their work and my experience doesn't immediately count in my mind. But I do feel confident that a lot of people could be helped by how I'm organizing this framework for relating to writing—and that is my usual source of energy for writing courage.
Oh, that where it hurts is where it's hurts. I used to handle my pain, confusion, isolation, sadness as needing to be put into a bucket for it to "qualify" so to speak. I had this idea that if I didn't know the origin of my pain, then no doctor could help at all. I basically thought I had to know an actual diagnosis in order to explain myself/be heard.
My work with a somatic experiencing psychotherapist showed me what happens when we don't diagnose to validate pain. Instead, we validate pain. Period. And then listen to our bodies first because, for one reason, the DSM and the labels are shifting all the time anyways.
So instead of needing to say "I can't sit on zoom calls because i'm autistic," I shifted to say, "Hey, Maggie, I'm really fearful that I won't ever work again because Zoom calls leave me feeling so depleted and foggy and I can't see straight afterword for a few hours." And she would say, "OK, let's talk about that fogginess. Tell me what's going on in your body after Zoom calls." Then we would explore, offer repair to my body, see if there were any parts who needed to offer information (most of the time, my "body shut downs" are a psychosomatic symptom of a childhood memory/voice coming to the surface for the first time but it's never like super obvious. It takes some threading of the needle to figure out). I hope that helps and wasn't too far into the weeds.
As someone diagnosed with C-PTSD, I can relate to so much of what you share here (especially looking to others who “must” know better than me.) Learning to trust my own instincts has taken a lot of practice and I still find it hard to walk the line between asking myself what I can learn from someone else’s feedback and giving their opinion more validity than my own.
Also, I love the concept of writing seasons - seems spot on!
This is really powerful. I didn’t even notice I was doing a lot of that internal stuff until you pointed it out. The voices of doubt are insidious and insistent. I often get distracted from a piece by going down a research rabbit hole because I know someone else said the thing better than I did and I don’t wanna reinvent the wheel... but that usually just leads to frustration as what they said isn’t coming from my context. Interested to learn more about the seasons!
"...going down a research rabbit hole because I know someone else said the thing better than I did and I don’t wanna reinvent the wheel..."
Yesssss. One thing that didn't make it into the piece is that this thinking ("I don't wanna reinvent the wheel") wholly bypasses the reality that a great teaching tool IS to practice imitating those you admire. In the work of creative discovery, imitation is valid as a wayfinding tool because, at the end of the day, there's nothing new under the sun. Everything's already here. So the newness is you. ☀️ Thanks for this comment. I think more people need to be encouraged around this, so I'm going to write a Note about all this. :)
Hey Amanda - this was very powerful. And relates to much of what I have grappling with recently.
I especially related to this: ' many, many of us are rewarded when we self abandon, both off and on the page. I’ve also had this hunch that writing is where the traumatized, scared and bullied turn in order to find some safe way to relate with their inner thoughts.'
I also have CPTSD and writing was a big initial part of helping me heal because it validated my experience and no one could question it once it was on the page.
Also relate to the trying so many times and it never quite working. It's a confusing journey and can be hard to keep trying and keep faith.
Also thank you for sharing the D.L Mayfield piece - which was very relevant for helping understand some recent experiences.
There's definitely an element of writing where I knew, from a young age, "There are no bullies here." It should be that way in real life, too. I hope it is a little bit kinder to you now. 🫶
Amanda, I loved this article and the idea of Writing Seasons. I am now wondering what season
I am in this summer--my creativity is blossoming with a new novel taking shape, the fourth I've written (still to be published--but always forever hopeful of that eventual outcome). So I look forward to your next post on this topic. I so agree with this line of yours, that the seasons, "circle back to an enduring truth about life: that everything is always in the midst of transformation." And since I am very much in the midst of transformation in this season of my life, it stands to reason my writing is as well.
This landed in my heart. Before reading your full post today, I clicked the link you included and saw it was a “Part 2”. Because I like to start at the “beginning,” I dug a bit and found this beautiful, relatable, and deeply satisfying read. A kindred spirit for sure. Ok— on to part 2, then today’s post. 😅
So looking forward to finding out more about the seasons! I loved your description of your meditation practice, it sounds very close to my own. It so happens that I’m working on a post for Sunday on why meditation shouldn’t be understood as a prescription pill. It’s going to first time I write about my experience with meditation. Thanks for this great post!
Ahhh that will be great to read about meditation-as-something-other-than-a-quick-fix — we do love those, don't we? 🫶 How long have you had a meditation practice? Bravo on the courage to write about it for the first time!
p.s. I haven't forgot about your post you shared in Notes. Funny thing about toddlers ... they can gobble your whole day away.
Thanks, Amanda. Let me tag you when I publish it, to answer your question :)
"I have some neurological predilection to blindly follow experts—marketing, writing, religious, medical and so on—before turning inward to touch base with myself." I have done this my whole life, as well. I was just talking to my therapist about it last week. I think you're probably right that it's rooted in CPTSD, but my therapist said it's common among autistic people because we strictly adhere to our values. For me, I feel like I need to do my due diligence when it comes to everything. Like, I'm not allowed to have an opinion until I've absorbed all possible knowledge on a subject.
I'm really looking forward to hearing more about writing seasons. I think I'll find it really helpful going forward.
Ahhhh I'm sorry to hear you relate to that, but also, what relief to know we're not alone. I do toggle quite a bit in my analyzing: "Is this autism? Is this trauma? Is this something else entirely?" And what's been helpful for me over the last few years is to recognize that most of the time the origin/label of the pain is the primary place to offer care... and then the categorizing or labeling or clarifying in my mind can happen, as it always does, ad nauseum. 😉
Also thanks for your enthusiasm for the Writing Seasons. It's a concept that is definitely outside my usual comfort zone because even though I read and study and practice and am treated by experts, somehow MY synthesization of their work and my experience doesn't immediately count in my mind. But I do feel confident that a lot of people could be helped by how I'm organizing this framework for relating to writing—and that is my usual source of energy for writing courage.
Can you explain more about the origin/label of the pain and how to offer it care?
Oh, that where it hurts is where it's hurts. I used to handle my pain, confusion, isolation, sadness as needing to be put into a bucket for it to "qualify" so to speak. I had this idea that if I didn't know the origin of my pain, then no doctor could help at all. I basically thought I had to know an actual diagnosis in order to explain myself/be heard.
My work with a somatic experiencing psychotherapist showed me what happens when we don't diagnose to validate pain. Instead, we validate pain. Period. And then listen to our bodies first because, for one reason, the DSM and the labels are shifting all the time anyways.
So instead of needing to say "I can't sit on zoom calls because i'm autistic," I shifted to say, "Hey, Maggie, I'm really fearful that I won't ever work again because Zoom calls leave me feeling so depleted and foggy and I can't see straight afterword for a few hours." And she would say, "OK, let's talk about that fogginess. Tell me what's going on in your body after Zoom calls." Then we would explore, offer repair to my body, see if there were any parts who needed to offer information (most of the time, my "body shut downs" are a psychosomatic symptom of a childhood memory/voice coming to the surface for the first time but it's never like super obvious. It takes some threading of the needle to figure out). I hope that helps and wasn't too far into the weeds.
Ah, now that you've put it into the context of somatic experience, I understand more what you mean. I'm glad that you're finding it healing.
Thanks Amanda, I related to a lot of what you wrote here.
I'm part of a community of practice also grounded in Buddhism. Our practice is built on the foundation of basic goodness.
Looking forward to the next post!
This makes publishing the next piece that much easier — I KNEW I was writing in good company. :)
As someone diagnosed with C-PTSD, I can relate to so much of what you share here (especially looking to others who “must” know better than me.) Learning to trust my own instincts has taken a lot of practice and I still find it hard to walk the line between asking myself what I can learn from someone else’s feedback and giving their opinion more validity than my own.
Also, I love the concept of writing seasons - seems spot on!
This is really powerful. I didn’t even notice I was doing a lot of that internal stuff until you pointed it out. The voices of doubt are insidious and insistent. I often get distracted from a piece by going down a research rabbit hole because I know someone else said the thing better than I did and I don’t wanna reinvent the wheel... but that usually just leads to frustration as what they said isn’t coming from my context. Interested to learn more about the seasons!
"...going down a research rabbit hole because I know someone else said the thing better than I did and I don’t wanna reinvent the wheel..."
Yesssss. One thing that didn't make it into the piece is that this thinking ("I don't wanna reinvent the wheel") wholly bypasses the reality that a great teaching tool IS to practice imitating those you admire. In the work of creative discovery, imitation is valid as a wayfinding tool because, at the end of the day, there's nothing new under the sun. Everything's already here. So the newness is you. ☀️ Thanks for this comment. I think more people need to be encouraged around this, so I'm going to write a Note about all this. :)
So much good in this article, I will have to save it and re-read it over and over again, I believe. Thank you!
Looking forward to this exploration - and love the writing seasons 🩷
Hey Amanda - this was very powerful. And relates to much of what I have grappling with recently.
I especially related to this: ' many, many of us are rewarded when we self abandon, both off and on the page. I’ve also had this hunch that writing is where the traumatized, scared and bullied turn in order to find some safe way to relate with their inner thoughts.'
I also have CPTSD and writing was a big initial part of helping me heal because it validated my experience and no one could question it once it was on the page.
Also relate to the trying so many times and it never quite working. It's a confusing journey and can be hard to keep trying and keep faith.
Also thank you for sharing the D.L Mayfield piece - which was very relevant for helping understand some recent experiences.
There's definitely an element of writing where I knew, from a young age, "There are no bullies here." It should be that way in real life, too. I hope it is a little bit kinder to you now. 🫶
Beautiful post Amanda.
Thanks for your wise, heartfelt words!
Wow. This could describe me right now, as I come to terms with (finding and) trusting my own voice. Thank you for sharing.
Amanda, I loved this article and the idea of Writing Seasons. I am now wondering what season
I am in this summer--my creativity is blossoming with a new novel taking shape, the fourth I've written (still to be published--but always forever hopeful of that eventual outcome). So I look forward to your next post on this topic. I so agree with this line of yours, that the seasons, "circle back to an enduring truth about life: that everything is always in the midst of transformation." And since I am very much in the midst of transformation in this season of my life, it stands to reason my writing is as well.
This landed in my heart. Before reading your full post today, I clicked the link you included and saw it was a “Part 2”. Because I like to start at the “beginning,” I dug a bit and found this beautiful, relatable, and deeply satisfying read. A kindred spirit for sure. Ok— on to part 2, then today’s post. 😅