I hear entire sentences spilling out of my brain...

Jen Zug joins Cave of the Heart and answers 5 questions on self-trust

Welcome to Cave of the Heart, an interview series where writers trust-fall into the depths of inner-knowing, creativity, and the craft of writing. Are you ready to get curious about the cultivation of self-trust, give a warm nod to our child selves, and celebrate inspiration in all forms? Come with us into the cave of the heart.

Jen Zug

lives in Seattle with her husband, Bryan, and their two kids who live at home part time while going to university. In addition to working in nonprofit communications and fundraising, she writes Pretend You’re Good At It, a weekly newsletter and community discussion hub where it’s safe to admit we might be winging it! Jen’s currently writing a parenting memoir about all of the interesting, difficult, and uncomfortable conversations or scenarios she’s faced with her family. It includes topics like death, faith, racism, and mental health, among others. 

Describe the setting where you’re answering these questions.

I’m currently sitting at my kitchen table with Sufjan Stevens playing in the background. I spend all day working in my tiny office in the back of the house, so I like to change my view in the evening hours. I’m currently home alone (a rarity!) and just tidied the house, so I feel relaxed and calm. 

The view from my dining table where I write.

Childhood

Q: Given a choice, were you the child who would run barefoot outside or inside reading?

Both!

When I was growing up, my neighborhood was full of kids my age, and we spent summer days running around until the streetlights came on. We rode dirt bikes in the empty lots at the end of the cul-de-sac and played games like Capture the Flag or Kick the Can, which combines Hide and Seek with Tag. No one in our neighborhood had fences around their yards, so try to imagine dozens of feral children chasing each other through your back yard or hiding in your bushes! The WORST was when your mom called your name from somewhere in the distance, signaling that it was time to come home. I never wanted those days to end.

But I was also the kid who got in trouble for reading a book in the back row of my math class, or got motion sickness from reading in the car, and didn’t like checking books out of the library because I wanted to keep a physical collection of everything I’d read. 

The books I remember filling up my shelves with were Nancy Drew, Sweet Valley High *eye roll*, and that weird book about the kids who lived in an attic. I also loved Stephen King books. I recently saw a viral tweet about how every GenX person read a Stephen King book way too young and that's why we are the way we are. This definitely checks out!

Influences

Q: If you had to choose one person from your past that most influenced who you are today, who would that be and why? This can be a person from history, an animal, a fictitious character in a book, TV or movie.

I discovered Anne Lamott when I was pregnant with my oldest over 20 years ago and my sister-in-law sent me her book, Operating Instructions. I’d never read anything like it, and I immediately followed it by reading Traveling Mercies. From a young age, I always knew I was a writer, but I didn’t understand what kind of writer I was. I’d read plenty of memoirs, and I’d read books about how to write a memoir, but nothing felt like me. I couldn’t figure out where I fit. It wasn’t until I read these two Anne Lamott books that I finally saw an example of the kind of writer I wanted to be. 

I just reread Bird by Bird last year, and it still holds up. For Christmas in 2022, I gifted a copy to my youngest, then 17 years old, who is writing a novel. A few weeks later he told me he finished it, and he was beaming. 

“What did you love about it?” I asked, our standard parental question whenever talking to our kids about books and movies.

“I like how she carries around a note card and a pen wherever she goes,” he said. “I’m taking more daily notes about things I notice.”

He also picked up on Lamott’s advice to write more and edit less in the beginning of a project. “I kept going back and fixing things all the time,” he said about writing his novel. “It was slowing me down. I’m just going to keep writing until the first draft is done.”

I say more about this in a response below, but I wish I had learned these tips as young as he’s learning—I’ve always struggled with writing shitty first drafts. Maybe someday if you ask my kid who influenced him, he’ll also say Anne Lamott. Or maybe he’ll say I did. What a legacy for either of us!

Creative Spark

Q: When you get an idea for a new essay or project, what does your first instinct look, sound or feel like?

An idea usually starts writing itself in my mind. I’ll “hear” entire sentences spilling out of my brain – sometimes paragraphs. Not audibly, but the internal voice is mine. The best way I can describe it is like when a teacher says, “Read along quietly while I read aloud.” What you “hear” in your mind as you read something quietly is how I feel when my mind is writing a new draft of something.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dashed from the shower to quickly write something down before I lose it, or shushed someone who started talking to me while I was writing something down, or pulled the car over to write something because I couldn’t wait until I got to my destination. I once wrote an entire essay draft while parked on the side of the road, prompted by a song lyric that I heard while driving. 

I collect these scribbled notes in a small notebook I keep with me at all times. The other night I panicked as I got into the car, because I double checked my purse and the notebook wasn’t in there. I ran back to the restaurant across the street and retraced my steps from the table to the bathroom to the door. Turns out it was in my back pocket the whole time! 

Writing Process

Q: Were there any habits or beliefs that you had to let go of in order to more deeply trust your writing process?

Early on I struggled with putting anything down on paper that I hadn’t worked out in my mind first. Imagine all the blank pages and blinking cursors I stared at! I’ve been writing since I was very young, and I think I imagined that everyone else was good enough and smart enough to clickity-clack their typewriters and keyboards into works of brilliance on the first go.

Looking back, it’s obvious how irrational this was, but I was young and writing mostly in isolation. Anne Lamott taught me about writing a Shitty First Draft in her book, Bird By Bird, which I first read almost 20 years ago. She very explicitly states that your first draft of anything will never be published, it’s simply a place to start. Learning how to write my own shitty first drafts required a level of trust in myself that I had to build over time. Like, if I put this shitty thing on paper, and it’s objectively shitty, how do I know it can be unshittified? 

I’m getting much better at this, but I still struggle with it today. Writing in community with other writers helps. By meeting other writers, reading their shitty first drafts, and hearing about their struggles through draft after draft, I’m growing more confident in my own writing process. Writing can’t be done completely in isolation. We need one another, we need other voices we trust to be involved in the creative journey, like how iron sharpens iron.

Resources

Q: What’s one surprising or unlikely resource that you turn to again and again to bolster your writing life?

I rely heavily on the stories of music to inspire me. Whether it’s a mood or lyric, these story-carriers are my most trusted friends in my creative life. Sometimes a song, artist, or album will latch on to me for a season, and I can’t get into a writing flow-state without it coming through my Bose headphones. 

Over the years I’ve been held captive by the music of Joseph Arthur, Pretty Broken Things, The War On Drugs, and a single song by Miley Cyrus: Slide Away (I can’t explain it. I don’t even listen to any of her other music). I’ve learned to lean into this phenomenon as a way to focus my mind and settle into a writing session.

Next up

Reimagining content calendars, a conversation with my editor about newsletter first impressions, more inspiring Cave of the Heart questionnaires, and a vulnerable essay about surviving the pandemic with dissociative identity disorder. Subscribe to follow along.

Join Jen in the Comments

How do you relate to Jen's concept of 'hearing sentences spill out of the brain'? Share a moment when your creativity unexpectedly sparked to life.

Jen mentions Anne Lamott’s writing and how it created a place for her to belong as the writer she is today. What are some of your favorite takeaways from Anne Lamott’s guidance?

The journey to the Cave of the Heart is an individual one. How have you walked toward the cave of the heart lately?